I Knew I Was Stupid Until The Day I Didn’t Know

Words fail to express the deep, dark, hatred I had towards math.

It began in the fourth grade. Division and multiplication were introduced. I struggled. And struggled badly. Despite my mother’s efforts to support me through tutors, workbooks, and educational programs, I just didn’t get it. That was made clear the day my fourth-grade math teacher, Ms. K, publicly declared in front of the class, “You were the only one in my class to fail the state math test,” accompanied by a look of disappointment that’s still carved in my memory. From that point forward, I knew I was stupid in school and didn’t put much effort into it. I developed a passionate hatred for math, convinced that I had some inherent mental block. I was fearful of math because it was difficult and challenged me. I never gave it much effort, I knew I was going to fail anyway.

I knew I was stupid. Until I knew I wasn’t.

Going for my Bachelor’s for the 3rd time, I approached college with a more confident mindset. The third time’s the charm; I locked it into my mind to give every class my absolute all. And so, I did. Any free time I had, I was caught studying or completing assignments. I knocked every class out of the park earning an impressive collection of A’s and a few B’s along the way. For the first time in my academic life, I was excelling by applying effort. It was amazing, however, I still avoided math. Until I couldn’t. Eventually, I had to face it as a requirement for graduation. Approaching math with the same determination I had for my other classes, I embraced the subject wholeheartedly and took it by storm! The outcome was exceptional — I excelled in quizzes, tests, and homework, earning top grades. With each A I earned, I further strengthened my self-confidence, solidifying belief in my abilities. At that point, no one could sway me otherwise. Not even me.

Everything seemed to be flowing smoothly until the day of the midterm when our math professor dropped a bombshell: ‘No calculators allowed.’ Throughout the semester, we relied on the convenience of using our phone’s calculators, effortlessly breezing through equations. But now, this professor aimed to shatter my streak of success and forced me to confront my true challenges in mathematics. I found myself dripping in sweat as if every pore on my body had become a faucet. I saw my heart slide across the classroom, as fear took hold of me.

It was an unpleasant reminder of the paralyzing fear that haunted me since the fourth grade.

Doubts swirled in my mind: I’m not smart, I can’t do this, give up now. I instantly spiraled into panic mode. Anxiety took over, I felt completely defeated and gave up. I was convinced that failure was inevitable, I knew I didn’t have a chance at passing. I knew I was not smart enough. I knew it again as I knew it before. At that point, I had already crafted a wonderful sob story to present to my professor. I planned to deliver it in such a way, that he would have no choice but to excuse me from the class. I would’ve gotten an academy award the way I was prepared to give a theatrical performance.

But then it dawned on me. A sudden realization poured over my mind like a radiant beam of sunlight, piercing through the suffocating haze of anxiety that had engulfed me. Over the past three years, I had continuously demonstrated to myself that I was capable of overcoming academic challenges. I witnessed how my achievements were fueled by the empowering and uplifting thoughts I cultivated within. I could attest firsthand to the remarkable power of positive thinking and the transformative effect of reframing negative thoughts into motivating ones. In that pivotal moment, I questioned the dedicated attempt at allowing myself to fail without even trying.

I quickly grew uncomfortable with the notion of underestimating my own abilities and selling myself short. Determined, I firmly declared to myself, ‘I can do it.’ And then, as if a switch had been flipped, I remembered… Keep Change, Change.

A cheat code for subtracting integers that was taught by my 11th-grade math teacher, Ms. Rios. At the time, I didn’t fully grasp the concept. (I sucked at math. Remember?) However, as fate would have it, over a decade later, her words echoed in my mind as if I was back in her classroom, back in the 11th grade. Applying the rule she had reiterated, I suddenly remembered others. The equations came alive, and as I tackled them with newfound determination and skill, I worked those equations like I never worked equations before! And it was at that moment that I knew…I AM SMART !

I passed the test with a 95% and secured an 85% on the final exam, which earned me an overall A in the class. An A in MATH!

I had been aware of the power of my thoughts, but it wasn’t until I wholeheartedly believed in myself, that it became apparent; I AM what I believe I am.

Thus, my true potential was activated. I’m reminded of my favorite scene from “The Matrix” when Morpheus explained to Neo, “It’s one thing to know your path, but it’s another thing to walk it.” Neo knew he was the chosen one, but it was when he truly believed it, that he gained the ability to defy the impossible, effortlessly dodging bullets. Embracing high standards and consistently giving my absolute best has become second nature to me, as my boundary is to always do my absolute best. I have discovered the essence of my personal best and have gained the ability to tap into it whenever needed. This mentality fuels my confidence and is the driving force behind my actions. It continues to amaze me how the delicious combination of unwavering confidence and adamant belief unleashed a profoundly upgraded version of myself that day in class. I was able to tap into a long-forgotten memory that unsmart me tossed away. Why would knowledge have a place in the world of someone who considers themselves to be stupid? The smart, more self-assured version of me accessed precisely what she needed to, to get where she needed to be; harnessing the power that had always resided within. Knowledge has a place here in my upgraded world and is fully accepted and celebrated.

We possess the power to shape our reality by choosing which thoughts to embrace. Our thoughts have a direct impact on our emotions. The way we feel greatly influences our perception of the world and how we choose to behave in it. This is your reminder to be mindfully delicious with your thoughts.❤